Let me start by getting the elephant out of the room.. no, I’m not pregnant. Now that we have that out of the way, I can move on. The older my little girl gets, the more I begin to ponder having another child. I miss holding a tiny human in my arms. But there are thoughts that are holding me back. Insecurities that can take over any daydreams I’m having. Insecurities that are putting a damper on the future of our family.
Here’s the thing, I wasn’t skinny two years ago and I’m definitely not now. However, I was much smaller. I was pushing a size 16 at the time and as unhappy as I was with my weight then, I’m a lot more unhappy with it now. Two years ago I was struggling with a high-stress job. Back then, I thought I didn’t have any free time to myself. No time to cook or workout, or just simply take care of myself. Now with two years under my belt as a mom with a toddler, I realize how easy I had it! It’s a lot harder now to organize workouts when you have to work around bed times, dinner and the needs of other family members. Nevertheless I thought things were complicated as a size 16.
The news of my pregnancy was exhilarating. I was so excited to have a new member of the family and I was also excited to have an excuse for being overweight. I could blame my increasing size on the pregnancy. The problem was that after the baby, I didn’t have that excuse to fall back on anymore. Especially when the weight never dropped and the baby turned into a toddler.
So here I am a size 18, pushing 20 realizing that I’m the biggest I’ve ever been in my life. If I gained a total of 30 brand new pounds with my last pregnancy, what would happen if I decided to do it all over again? Would I gain 30 more? And if I did, would I be stuck with it again?
This thought terrifies me. I know I do a lot of preaching about accepting who you are and finding your outer and inner beauty but the truth is I slip into negative thinking too. And even though I refuse to stay in this pattern, this fear creeps up every now and then. What does my future body look like with another pregnancy?
I will say this, no matter how many pounds I gained with my daughter, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. She is the most beautiful gift I’ve ever received.
Plus size mommies, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please share in the comments below.
One Comment Add yours
My beautiful daughter Jillian,
In my 9th month of pregnancy with you I weighed 318 pounds. I was big to begin with but I gained only 11 pounds while carrying you. It’s true, I didn’t lose the weight afterwards but I was already big anyway. The point? You were the BEST decision I ever made. I’m so glad to be your mom.