Let me start by getting the elephant out of the room.. no, I’m not pregnant. Now that we have that out of the way, I can move on. The older my little girl gets, the more I begin to ponder having another child. I miss holding a tiny human in my arms. But there are thoughts that are holding me back. Insecurities that can take over any daydreams I’m having. Insecurities that are putting a damper on the future of our family.

Here’s the thing, I wasn’t skinny two years ago and I’m definitely not now. However, I was much smaller. I was pushing a size 16 at the time and as unhappy as I was with my weight then, I’m a lot more unhappy with it now. Two years ago I was struggling with a high-stress job. Back then, I thought I didn’t have any free time to myself. No time to cook or workout, or just simply take care of myself. Now with two years under my belt as a mom with a toddler, I realize how easy I had it! It’s a lot harder now to organize workouts when you have to work around bed times, dinner and the needs of other family members. Nevertheless I thought things were complicated as a size 16.

The news of my pregnancy was exhilarating. I was so excited to have a new member of the family and I was also excited to have an excuse for being overweight. I could blame my increasing size on the pregnancy. The problem was that after the baby, I didn’t have that excuse to fall back on anymore. Especially when the weight never dropped and the baby turned into a toddler.

So here I am a size 18, pushing 20 realizing that I’m the biggest I’ve ever been in my life. If I gained a total of 30 brand new pounds with my last pregnancy, what would happen if I decided to do it all over again? Would I gain 30 more? And if I did, would I be stuck with it again?

This thought terrifies me. I know I do a lot of preaching about accepting who you are and finding your outer and inner beauty but the truth is I slip into negative thinking too. And even though I refuse to stay in this pattern, this fear creeps up every now and then. What does my future body look like with another pregnancy?

I will say this, no matter how many pounds I gained with my daughter, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. She is the most beautiful gift I’ve ever received.

Plus size mommies, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please share in the comments below.