It’s a fear. Not one that I usually have. In fact, I’ve never really had a fear like this but I can’t ignore it. It creeps in every month around the same time. I know what I need to do but it’s nagging me. Maybe if I just try one more month I won’t have to face it. Maybe there are more solutions I’m not aware of yet. And still I wonder how many more months I’ll let pass with these small hopes until I run out of time.

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for several months now. With our daughter, it was easy. It didn’t take much for her to join our world but this time it’s different and I don’t understand why. A good six months or more have passed with no reward and I’m beginning to wonder what’s wrong. To top it off, my daughter’s constantly asking for a sibling or telling random strangers that she has a brother or a sister. I feel this invisible clock ticking louder and louder likes it’s going to off in a huge explosion any moment. My daughter’s three-years-old and I don’t want her to be too much older than her sibling. I want them to play together well but all those desires are nothing with an empty womb.

I know it’s all in my head and I’m being dramatic. Perhaps you’re thinking that I’m putting too much worry into this. I probably am but I can’t get rid of this anxiety. I feel like I have this narrow window of time and I’m not going to make it. There’s nothing more defeating than feeling like your body isn’t able. I’ve held in the tears month after month when I’ve discovered all my efforts were for naught. And so the solution of visiting the doctor comes from my husband each time he sees me slip into a depression. But I can’t go to the doctor, I know what they’ll say and I don’t want to hear it.

You see, there’s one big difference from my body before my daughter and my body after– about 40 pounds. That’s a lot of extra weight when you’re thinking about your health. Don’t get me wrong, I’m completely body positive but I feel loving your body includes taking care of it. Sometimes that means making better choices. I’m scared my new weight is a factor in all of this and the fact that I haven’t been able to drop it in 3 years is completely discouraging. I don’t know if I can do what it takes to turn things around but maybe this is the motivation I need to get back in the healthy zone. Since my weight gain I’ve gotten sleep apnea, neck tags and aches and pains. To me, those are little warning signs that I need to address my weight for the right reason, not my vanity but my health.

I know a lot of plus size women have gotten pregnant and that I may be overthinking this all but I also know that every body is different. Mine may not be as resilient. So now comes the question, will I face my fear?